theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
