Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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