Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Holy shit dude........stairs
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
