This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
