Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
