Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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