update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
