We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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