I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
