Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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