We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize