My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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