So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize