you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Life is so much better after having sex.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
