you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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