I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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