my phone needs a breathalizer
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
