I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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