you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Randomize
