Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i permit you to call me
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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