Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
