We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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