i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
