Moan for me like Helen Keller
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
