dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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