I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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