good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
