There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
