My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
