I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
