The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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