Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Randomize
