his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
