u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
