Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
