dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think i peed on brittanys purse
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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