I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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