Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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