I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
