My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
