you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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