actually, I'm a sock model
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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