it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
