i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
