Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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