I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
