Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
