One girl and one boy is just not enough.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
