I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just had sex on a roof
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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