I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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