did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
whose parrot is this?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
