Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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