whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize