matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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