What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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